You Have Cancer
I stand in my room sobbing. I feel like someone has just punched me in the gut and I don’t have words for what has just happened. My husband, Jan hears my sobs and appears in the room. He asks me what is wrong, but it is surreal. I am not sure if I am dreaming or if this is actually happening. He again asks me what is wrong and if I was just on the phone. I nod my head because no words will form in my mouth. I am finally able to speak, but have a hard time telling him what has just happened. He asks me once more who was on the phone. I tell him it was the doctor. He says, “you mean the doctor you saw yesterday who got upset with you and then asked you if you wanted her to examine you or if you just wanted to leave?” I nod, yes that is the one. She just told me that my blood work came back and that I have leukemia. She has talked to a hematologist and because the cancer is so advanced, they do not want me to wait to see a specialist, but instead the hematologist will call the emergency room doctor on call and tell them how to do a bone marrow biopsy. She told me I should get to the emergency room right away because the cancer is so advanced that they need to start treatment immediately. Jan says, “wait! She actually just said all of this to you over the phone?” Once again, I nod my head as I look at Jan. He appears to have just seen a ghost.
I retired at the end of 2016 and had the opportunity to spend several months in Arizona. I became ill twice that winter and each time I went to an urgent care I was told I had bronchitis. At one point I remember saying to Jan, “this is like no bronchitis I have ever had.” Each time I was given a prescription for an inhaler, because I was having trouble breathing, and yet I had never used an inhaler in my life. I struggled through the winter and became ill again on April 2, 2017. I once again went to an urgent care in Arizona to be given more medication. I thought if I could just get back to Illinois and see my doctor, I would be okay. I had no way of knowing what was about to happen, that I would be passed from doctor to doctor, with each one telling me there was nothing wrong because it was not in their scope of treatment or their department. This was to become a hellacious journey of falling through the cracks in the medical community. And then a search to find new doctors and new ways of healing. I was later told that at this point, I probably had 6 weeks to live.
I thought my story would be about the nightmare that I lived through in the months of not being diagnosed, as I lost weight, watched my muscles deteriorate and became slightly crazy as I went from doctor to doctor looking for answers. However, as I look back, I realize this is only the backdrop to my story. My story is about hope and healing.
As I woke up that morning on April 2, 2017 alone in Arizona, I knew something was horribly wrong and in my head I heard the words, “They meant it for evil, but I meant it for good.” And this was followed by Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” Someone had shared the verse in Jeremiah with me years earlier when I was going through a divorce and it became a real beacon in my life as I struggled through so many things. However, the, “they meant it for evil, but I meant it for good,” I don’t remember hearing before. In the days ahead, I would cling to these two verses as I struggled to make sense of what was happening in my life.
I was soon to learn that this was yet just another journey in my life, and I would continue to search for answers like I had done so many times in the past. This was my new journey, a search for new doctors and new ways of healing.
Will look forward to the book when written, Mary.
Thanks Lola for following me in this journey.